It doesn’t matter if you’re the one doing the breaking up or the one being broken up with, breakups are hard. Especially if you love the person. In this article, I’m going to help you get through a breakup.
All breakups are fixed with time
It’s very important to realise that no matter how bad you feel right after a breakup, probably what you’re feeling right now, it doesn’t last forever. You’re not the first person, or the only person, to have suffered from a breakup. It happens to people every day. It’s part of life and you will get over it with time. Be patient. The time is different for everyone and it depends on how long you’ve been together, but at the end of the day, time is a healer.
Rest before you react
After a breakup, emotions are high and during this period people do stupid stuff. Whether it’s going out and getting blinding drunk only to end up in bed with someone they shouldn’t or booking a travel trip that they can’t really afford.
Would you do any of those things after a major operation? Clearly you wouldn’t, you take the doctors advice to rest up and get better. When you breakup with someone you feel like crap and in extreme cases even depressed. You’re mentally exhausted, which is the same as being physically exhausted. You don’t need to go out partying at the weekend and get drunk. In fact, that’ll make you feel worse.
Instead, take some time to relax, embrace your emotions and accept you feel like crap. If you need to cry into a pillow that’s fine. Trying to fight it will mean you’re just putting it off and you’ll just exhaust yourself even more. Embrace your sad feelings and stay in bed if you need. That doesn’t mean putting on sad films or sad songs, it just means rest and allowing your mind, body and soul to have their time to go through their “natural” healing process. Just like an operation, you need rest time to heal
Disconnect from social media
You’re not going to get over your ex if you keep spying on their social media. Depending on how mature your partner was, they could be doing things to make you jealous and to wind you up. That includes posting bad things about you or posting nights out with other men.
None of that stuff is your business. You need to have a mindset of you don’t care. Therefore, unfollow and block. Don’t believe that you need her to keep following you so that you can start posting stuff that makes her jealous or shows how happy you are. Moving on is about not caring what she thinks, so cut the cord. She’ll find a way to spy on your profile, women are expert detectives, but that’s okay, you just don’t want to be seeing her profile or giving her any attention.
Expect bad thoughts and let them come and go
- “I’ll never find anyone as beautiful as her.”
- “I’m too old to be dating again.”
- “All the good people have settled down.”
- “I can’t handle her being or sleeping with another man.”
- "I feel lost."
I won’t go into detail about the brain but we all have a reptile part of the brain or a “chimp” part of the brain. This part is only concerned with survival, so it thinks in terms of food, sex, fight or flight. It will do anything to survive. However, this part of the brain is not in touch with the modern world. We needed it back in our primitive times when we heard a noise in the bushes and had to decide whether it was a predator. It’s the same voice you hear before public speaking that fills you with panic.
It’s the voice that doesn’t follow logic and goes into a panic. You can’t ignore the reptile brain otherwise it’ll go nuts. You must work with it and let it have its tantrum.
Let your reptile brain say what it needs to say about you never finding anyone ever again. Don’t get emotionally attached to what it says just let it say its thoughts. Don’t try to fight the thoughts just let them flow.
Once you do this it will get tired and the reptile will settle down. You’ll know this has happened as these thoughts will start to be less and less and you’ll start to get energy again.
Get comfortable with yourself
During your rest period and while your reptile brain has its tantrum you’ll be able to assess what weaknesses and insecurities you have. These are things you need to work on before you even consider getting back out there and dating.
You need to be comfortable with being by yourself and loving yourself before you can have a successful relationship. You can’t build a house on crappy foundations, otherwise, it’ll collapse. The same happens with relationships, so whatever insecurities the relationship has uncovered now is the time to work on them.
For example, If you don’t think you’ll find someone else, you need to investigate why you feel this way. The current world population is 7.6 billion as of May 2018 according to the most recent United Nations estimates elaborated by Worldometers, http://www.worldometers.info/world-population/
In a world of 7.6 billion people, if you think you can’t find someone, that issue is your mindset.
Take this time to work on you and rebuild your confidence. Some relationships can knock your confidence, but like a champion boxer, all you must do is get back up. Start doing things that build your confidence.
Rebuild your confidence
Now you’ve rested it’s time to take control.
If you have a hobby or a passion, now is the time to focus on that and enjoy the rewards of excelling and succeeding at it.
If you’re not already doing it, I highly recommend strength training. As the weight you lift increases and as you physically become stronger and physically look better you’ll feel more confident. On top of that, you’ll be flooded with feel-good hormones.
Go and get a nice haircut and get some new clothes. You don’t need to have any plans to go somewhere, you’re simply just doing it to look good for you.
Purpose and passion
I’m not sure of your situation, but some relationships prevent you from doing the things you really want to do. For example, I have a friend who is engaged to a woman he doesn’t really love with three kids. He wants to be a personal trainer, but his lifestyle means he can’t take any risks. He can’t give up his full-time job to start off as a PT.
Coming out of a relationship means you have more time and in some cases more money. Now is a great time to discover your purpose and go for what you really want in life.
Don’t chase or try to go back with your ex, go forward
If you’re the one who did the breaking up it’s likely that she was doing something or had done something to cause you to break up the relationship. People don’t change much unless they work very hard on their behaviour and put in place processes, measurements and checks to keep them on track. If your ex-comes back after four weeks saying they’ve changed, be very wary as that's a very difficult thing to do. Changing behaviours takes a long time and as I said they need to do it using a system with measures and checks. Do you reckon they did this? Didn’t think so, move forward.
Going backwards is a sign of insecurity, it says you don’t feel you deserve any better. Yes, she’ll pick up on this, and go right back to her old behaviour. If that behaviour is taking you for granted or making your life difficult, then do you really want to go back to that.
The only time you’re allowed to go back with an ex is if you got dumped because it’s probable that you didn’t want the relationship to end.
If you got dumped, usually that means it was your fault. Women don’t usually dump men unless they cheat or display weak characteristics such as ‘people pleaser’, ‘laziness’, ‘’ungratefulness’ or ‘neediness’ or you stopped romancing her.
Now there is a method of getting an ex back and it is the easiest thing in the world. However, it’s also the hardest thing in the world to weakened men.
If you’ve been dumped because you’re needy, guess what chasing your ex through text messages and phone calls and surprise visits displays? Yep, you got it, chasing your ex is NEEDY BEHAVIOUR. You’re doing the thing she dumped you for. Men are action and goal orientated, they think if a woman rejects them or dumps them they must take action by texting them, writing love letters, sending flowers, showing up at her work and placing themselves in her life. This is called stalking and results in the police coming to your house.
Never do this.
If you’ve been dumped, all you do is stop contacting your ex and move on. Go away, work on yourself, get fit, work on your purpose, dress well, hang out with friends and enjoy life. The irony of this is that this is such a masculine and dominant thing to do, that you become attractive. She’ll likely see this, and you’ll likely receive a message from her at some point in the future. However, if you never hear from her again, that’s fine too, because you’ve moved on.
Start dating again
Now you've centred again and oozing masculine and positive energy it’s time to get back out there and take the world on. You’re smashing your goals and you’re now making space for some lucky lady.
You don’t chase, you attract. You’re too busy winning and focusing on your purpose. You’re a man in demand.
The conclusion to getting over a breakup
- Rest up and don’t react
- Disconnect from social media
- Embrace the reptile tantrum
- Work on your insecurities
- Rebuild your confidence
- Find your purpose and passion
- Never chase, so forget your ex and move forward
- Start dating again
Stay strong, you’ll make it through.
Andrew Leong is one of the co-founders of Thomas & George. He has a passion for weight lifting, power lifting, martial arts, and psychology.